How can I best support my LGBTQIA+ child?
A normal part of childhood development is being curious about identity. This includes questioning gender and sexuality. These moments can throw parents for a loop! You might ask yourself:
How do I encourage my child to be themselves and protect them at the same time?
How do I explain gender and sexuality in a way that they can understand?
How do I help them make sense of their experience of the world?
Let’s explore the unique experiences of raising LGBTQIA+ children and how play therapy may support your family.
What’s Unique about Having an LGBTQIA Child?
LGBTQIA+ children and adolescents are at an increased risk for:
Experiencing bullying and rejection by peers and family
Higher rates of chronic stress
Higher rates of depression, anxiety, and suicidal ideation
Unsupportive school environments can make a child’s daily life much harder. Some students may be left out of classroom activities or sports. At times, adults may not take bullying seriously. Experiences like these can hurt a young person’s confidence and lead them to wonder, Is something wrong with me?
Many LGBTQIA+ teens also worry about coming out. They may fear how others will react or wonder how their gender expression or sexuality could affect their future careers. These worries can feel overwhelming and may even cuase some young people to limit their goals. Feeling isolated or without a strong community can also affect mental health. This helps explain why some LGBTQIA+ youth report higher rates of depression, anxiety, and thoughts of suicide.
At the same time, these outcomes are not unavoidable. Support makes a powerful difference. Parents and caregivers can help most by accepting and affirming their children for who they are. Research shows that queer youth who feel supported at home and school are less likely to struggle with serious mental health challenges. Even if a school environment isn’t supportive, having a home where a child feels valued and celebrated can protect their well-being.
LGBTQIA+ young people can also develop important strengths. Being open about who they are can reduce the stress that comes from hiding part of their identity. Coming out, when it feels safe to do so, can strengthen relationships, build confidence, and increase resilience. Many queer teens describe forming deep, caring friendships that help them grow in empathy and advocacy. These experiences can prepare them to become adults who understand themselves well, stand up for others, and live in ways that feel satisfying.
How Can I Support My Queer Child at Home?
So how do we create a supportive environment for LGBTQIA+ children? The first step is to talk about diversity and differences at home. All children are constantly adding to their understanding and perception of the world around them. They start out believing that their experiences, like their family structure or nightly routine, must be what everyone’s life is like! They only learn that there are other identities and ways of being if the grownups in their lives show them many different, beautiful, and valid ways of existing in the world. Here’s some ideas for how to do that:
Read stories with characters that have different family makeups. Some of our favorites are: Frederico & All His Families, My Maddy, A Family is a Family is a Family
Talk to your children about the people in their lives that are members of the LGBTQIA+ community. E.g., “Aunt Sally is married to a woman, they like it when people use the word ‘lesbian’ to describe them.”
Avoid falling back on stereotypes. Avoid teaching children that all members of the LGBTQIA+ community are all the same. For child-friendly definitions of common terms used by the LGBTQIA community consult https://pflag.org/glossary/
Even if your child does not grow to identify as a member of the LGBTQIA+ community, you have instilled allyship and acceptance in them!
Now let's talk about what to do when your child starts to question or explore their presentation or identity. Maybe the child you raised as a boy wants to wear dresses or learn makeup. Or, maybe your little girl asks you if it’s okay to kiss other girls. How might we respond?
Normalize their experience! This may sound like, “Yes, there are lots of girls in the world that kiss and marry other girls,” or “I know lots of people who feel like boys and wear dresses.”
Let them show you how they want to express themselves without putting a label on it right away. Experimenting with identity factors like clothing, makeup, and mannerisms is a normal part of child development.
Give them age-appropriate sexual education. Education is still the most important way that parents and caregivers can prevent childhood sexual abuse. Some of our favorite resources for this include:
https://www.parents.com/age-by-age-guide-to-sex-education-7497793
https://www.talkwithyourkids.org/lets-talk-about/6-books-about-sex-toddler-teen.html
Ask their school administrators about acceptance in the school community or any policies that may prevent your child from being able to express their identity.
Educate them about potential biases and prejudice. There is a fine line between instilling fear in children and giving them information to protect themselves. Share with your child that there are people in the world that don’t think it's okay to express yourself in this way. People might call them weird or different, but they don’t have to listen to them. Unless you’re around individuals who pose risks to your child’s physical safety, let your child express themselves and process what it was like after.
Is Play Therapy Right for My Child?
An identity-affirming play therapist might be a great support for your family, if:
Your child is struggling with parts of their identity
You are a parent or caregiver wanting to better support your LGBTQIA+ child
Your child or teen is questioning their sexuality
Here at Bud to Bloom Play Therapy, we use child-centered play therapy to create a nonjudgmental setting for your child to explore their identity and experiences. We also offer parent coaching to strengthen your relationship with and understanding of your child.
