How can I best support my LGBTQIA+ child?
When our children are growing, developing, and cultivating their own truly unique personalities, it’s natural for them to question things like gender and sexuality. These moments can throw parents for a loop! You might ask yourself: how do I encourage my child to be themselves and protect them at the same time? How do I explain gender and sexuality in a way that they can understand? How do I help them make sense of their experience of the world? Together, let’s explore the unique experiences of parenting LGBTQIA+ children and teens, and how play therapy may uniquely support your child and family through these changes.When our children are growing, developing, and cultivating their own truly unique personalities, it’s natural for them to question things like gender and sexuality. These moments can throw parents for a loop! You might ask yourself: how do I encourage my child to be themselves and protect them at the same time? How do I explain gender and sexuality in a way that they can understand? How do I help them make sense of their experience of the world? Together, let’s explore the unique experiences of parenting LGBTQIA+ children and teens, and how play therapy may uniquely support your child and family through these changes.
Unique experiences of LGBTQIA+ Youth
LGBTQIA+ children and adolescents are at an increased risk for:
Experiencing bullying and rejection by peers and family
Higher rates of chronic stress
Higher rates of depression, anxiety, and suicidal ideation
LGBTQIA+ youth in an unsupportive schooling environment see policy and administration decisions that validate the harm they may be experiencing through bullying, further impacting their sense of self. A child may be singled out or left out of classroom activities by their peers or adults, may not be allowed to fully participate in sports, or may be invalidated by teachers or administration if they are experiencing bullying. Any one of these experiences is challenging for a child to experience and may lead to low self-esteem and thoughts like, “Is there something wrong with me?” Additionally, LGBTQIA adolescents report fears and worries about coming out and the impact of their gender expression and sexuality on their future careers, sometimes limiting the types of careers they consider! Isolation and lack of community are intrinsically linked to mental health challenges, which may explain high rates of depression, anxiety, and suicidal ideation.
While these experiences are serious, they are not inevitable — we can improve the outcomes of LGBTQIA+ youth. The best way that we, as parents of these kids, can support them is to accept them as they are. LGBTQIA+ children who experience a supportive home and school environment are half as likely to experience mental health challenges or attempt suicide as their peers who do not receive support. And, even if children are in a repressive school environment, they can still benefit from having their identity celebrated and embraced at home.
Members of the LGBTQIA+ community can also develop unique strengths! Living as an “out” individual can reduce stressors caused by attempting to hide part of their identity. Coming out can deepen relationships, build self-esteem, and promote resiliency in young people. LGBTQIA+ adolescents also report strong, emotionally-vulnerable friendships that support their development of critical skills like empathy and advocacy. These skills can allow young people to grow into adults who are not constrained by limitations presented to them by our broader society and can encourage them to truly develop their own authentic selves.
Supporting Queer Youth at Home
So how do we create a supportive environment for LGBTQIA+ children? The first step is to talk about diversity and differences at home. All children are constantly adding to their understanding and perception of the world around them. They start out believing that their experiences, like their family structure or their nightly routine, must be what everyone’s life is like! And they only learn that there are other identities and ways of being if the grownups in their lives show them there are so many different, beautiful, loving, and valid ways of being. Here’s some ideas for how to do that:
Read stories with characters that have different family makeups. Some of our favorites are: Frederico & All His Families, My Maddy, A Family is a Family is a Family
Talk to your children about the people in their lives that are members of the LGBTQIA+ community (e.g., Aunt Sally is married to a woman, they like it when people use the word “lesbian” to describe them).
Avoid falling back on stereotypes and teaching children that all members of the LGBTQIA+ community are all the same or just one way (for child-friendly definitions of common terms used by the LGBTQIA community consult https://pflag.org/glossary/)
With these supports in place, even if your child does not grow to identify as a member of the LGBTQIA+ community, you have instilled allyship and acceptance in them. Now let's talk about what to do when your child starts to question or explore their presentation or identity. Maybe the child you raised as a boy wants to wear dresses or learn makeup. Or, maybe your little girl asks you if it’s okay to kiss other girls. How might we respond?
Normalize their experience! This may sound like, “Yes, there are lots of girls in the world that kiss and marry other girls,” or “I know lots of people who feel like boys and wear dresses.”
Let them show you how they want to express themselves without putting a label on it right away. Experimenting with identity factors like clothing, makeup, and mannerisms is a normal part of child development.
Give them age-appropriate sexual education. Education is still the most important way that parents and caregivers can prevent childhood sexual abuse. Some of our favorite resources for this include:
https://www.parents.com/age-by-age-guide-to-sex-education-7497793
https://www.talkwithyourkids.org/lets-talk-about/6-books-about-sex-toddler-teen.html
Ask their school administrators about acceptance in the school community or any policies that may prevent your child from being able to express their identity.
Educate them about potential biases and prejudice. There is a fine line between instilling fear in children and giving them information to protect themselves. Especially if you, as their parent, know that the situation they are about to walk into is not going to be accepting, or even safe, for them. Share with your child that there are people in the world that don’t think it's okay to express yourself in this way, that they might call them weird or different, but they don’t have to listen to those people. Unless there are individuals who pose risks to your child’s physical safety, let your child express themselves and process what it was like after.
Play Therapy for LGBTQIA+ Youth
If your child is struggling with parts of their identity, or even if you are struggling with how to support/understand them, a LGBTQIA+-affirming play therapist is a great place to start! Here at Bud to Bloom, we use child-centered play therapy to create a positive, nonjudgemental setting for your child to explore their identity and experiences. We also offer parent support to give you targeted one-on-one coaching to strengthen your understanding of and relationship with your child.
Child-centered play therapy views children as inherently driven towards growth, self-acceptance, and self-esteem. For children exploring their LGBTQIA+ identity, this open and welcoming environment presents the opportunity to experiment with all aspects of their identity, including the ones they aren’t sure will be accepted. LGBTQIA+ children who are experiencing bullying or discrimination are allowed the space to process the unfairness of their treatment; and provided the co-regulation of a caring adult who is ready to accept them as they are.
