Why Won’t My Child’s Therapist Tell Me What They Say?
It is normal to want all the details of a therapy session. It is your child after all. You want to keep them safe! We get it. It might feel frustrating when a therapist won’t give you the nitty gritty details of a session and you may not understand why. However, having all the details of your child’s therapy sessions might not be the most helpful for their therapeutic journey and we want to help you understand why.
Children need privacy and boundaries much like adults do. One of the safest places to allow children to establish privacy and boundaries is in therapy! Allowing your child to choose what they tell you (or not tell you) helps the therapeutic relationship as well as builds a stronger bond between yourself and your child.
Lets Talk About it!
Play Therapy is effective for many reasons, but the two main reasons we’ll discuss today are the therapeutic relationship and the freedom to be as they are.
In therapy, your child experiences a space unlike any other, a space where they can behave in any way without judgement. In Play Therapy the therapist's goal is not to “change” or “fix” the child which can be a new and freeing experience for them. This freedom gives your child space to explore themself and process sensitive and messy topics without fear of judgment or being reprimanded. The play room is a special place where a child can explore feelings in many ways (no worries-we do set some limits for safety) however there is typically no “wrong” way to be in therapy.
Why Play Therapy May Be Different From Other Play
This can be a new phenomenon for children and allow for them to have the autonomy and freedom to practice making choices, get creative with problem solving and practice getting out some of those feelings that they may not feel are accepted outside the play room. For example in the playroom children are allowed to engage in aggressive play, messy play and other forms of play that may not be as palatable in the classroom or at home. But in play therapy these forms of play are seen as valuable, therapeutic and even as a way that children learn new skills.
Giving children a safe space to be, to explore and to feel heard helps your child make progress toward whatever goal has been established. When a child feels safe and connected, they are able to behave better and grow.
Why Sharing Session Details May Not Get You The Results You Are Hoping For
For children to truly trust this freedom and allow themselves to engage in the therapeutic process your child has to trust their therapist. This means it is extremely important to keep what happens in therapy, in therapy. Your child won’t feel safe to be as they are if their therapist relays every detail of the session to you.I know this can be tricky to hear as a parent, but to your child it may feel like a breach in trust and they may no longer want to explore in session.
Especially when children are struggling with conflict within their family, therapy can become a safe space to share their frustration with their parents and siblings and share the deepest part of their internal world. However if each statement is shared back with their parents, parents may bring it up and the child may feel that therapy is not confidential or safe.. They may feel shame, embarrassment and other feelings that hinder the therapeutic process. Lets be honest if your therapist shared information from all your sessions with a close friend or partner you may feel hesitant to open up again. Even if you have a great relationship with your friends and partners there are vulnerable parts of therapy you may not want to share with them. This is the same for your child too
What Your Child’s Therapist Will Share With You
We know this can be hard and we promise your child’s therapist is not trying to keep you in the dark. Although they may not share a blow for blow recap of a session there are things they will share with you! Your child’s therapist might share general themes from the session such as skills they are working on or what the child may be processing. This may look like a therapist sharing that your child seems to struggle with perfectionism and is exploring this theme through play and working to feel competent through mastery play. Child therapists will always share concerns for safety as it is one of our goals to keep children safe.
Other Ways You Can Be Involved In Your Child's Therapy
While your child’s therapist may not share all the details of the child’s therapy , they still need your involvement! You are important to your child’s therapy journey and there are other integral ways you can collaborate with the therapists to support your child!
Having Parent Sessions:
Remember that your child’s therapist wants you to be involved in their progress! Parent sessions are a great way for you to get advice from your child’s therapist on at home interventions and ways to best support your child in their journey. Check your therapist's guidelines for parent sessions and book one whenever you can. Come to your parents session with an open mind so that you can get the most out of it!
Create Emotional safety at Home:
Creating emotional safety will allow your child to share more openly on their own. Creating emotional safety at home is the key to strengthening the bond between you and your child. Here are some tips to help create emotional openness at home.
Create open space for your child to talk to you
Having a routine around holding space for open discussions is a great way to take away some of that pressure from having difficult conversations. Whether it be when you get home from school, right before bed, or while you’re cooking dinner together, having time every single day to chat about anything can be really important in building emotional safety.
Give your undivided attention when talking to your child!
Paraphrase to ensure understanding, make eye contact, and put away distractions (Caveat: some kids might need some kind of distraction to talk about hard things. Make sure the distraction is mutual eg. you both color and talk, you cook dinner and talk etc.). Give your child your full attention when they are speaking to you (not just when the topics are emotionally charged)
Validate, do not dismiss
When you are listening to your kid, make sure to validate their feelings. Even if you do not quite understand what they are feeling, validation is key to creating trust. “That made you feel really sad” “That is really hard” “You are angry about this” “I can tell you are struggling with this, tell me more” are all statements you can use to validate your child’s emotions. Whatever you choose to say, do not dismiss their feelings. If your child feels dismissed they likely will not feel comfortable opening up to you in the future.
Pro tip: Give the same attention to small things as well as the larger more intense conversations. If your child is testing the waters they may start by sharing small things with you. It is key to validate and give attention to what may seem like smaller things in order to build the trust needed for them to share the big things.
You’ve got this! You are one of the most important people in your child’s life and the more safety is created at home the more your child can open up and share with you. However keep in mind there are some things your child may feel more comfortable sharing in therapy and that does not mean you are a bad parent or did anything wrong. We hope this article gave you a bit of insight into what your child's therapist may not be sharing as much as you and why they discourage you from asking your child what they did in therapy.
