The Link Between Co-Regulation and Self-Regulation
Before a child can regulate themselves, they need to experience coregulation. Understanding the link between these two processes is key to helping children build resilience and emotional stability.
What is Co-regulation?
Coregulation is the process in which a child learns to manage their emotions through supportive interactions with a regulated caregiver. When a trusted adult provides warmth, attunement, and consistent responses to a child’s emotional needs, the child begins to internalize these calming strategies, laying the foundation for self-regulation.
How Does Co-regulation Lead to Self-Regulation?
Children Learn by Modeling – When caregivers model calm, regulated responses to stress, children mirror these behaviors and gradually develop their own self-soothing strategies.
Consistent Support Strengthens Brain Development – Research shows that coregulation helps shape neural pathways in the brain, particularly in areas responsible for emotional regulation and impulse control.
Feeling Safe Leads to Independence – When children consistently experience a safe and responsive environment, they feel secure enough to start regulating their own emotions without external support.
Why This Matters:
Co-regulation is the foundation of regulation and emotional intelligence. Humans are not born with the ability to identify their emotions and regulate through them successfully on their own (caregivers with tantruming toddlers I am sure you know that). Co-regulation is how your child builds emotional intelligence and the ability to tolerate and navigate those emotions.
Let me paint a picture. I love an ocean metaphor. Co-regulation is like a surfing lesson. As a parent you are not letting your baby in the water alone, you are getting in with them, probably carrying them and talking them through this experience. This is really similar to how we co-regulate with a baby. We soothe them, talk to them and help them make sense of a scary or frustrating experience, which in turn helps them better understand their internal world.
As they grow from baby to young child, you may start to let them ride some waves as you hold their hand. Some of the big waves may need bigger support while the smaller waves may allow you to just cheer them on. All the while, your child is learning that they are safe and that they can do hard things! This scaffolding and skill building is the key! As they get older, they take these guided experiences and use them to build the confidence they need to surf the big waves, on their own.
Children need the exact same thing with their emotions. Without your help, your child might become overwhelmed by the emotions they feel, leading to uncontrollable bodily reactions (like tantrums). Every time you sit with your child, identify what they are feeling and breathe through it with them, they are gaining that same confidence and skill building that lets them know they can do hard things. Just like reading, emotional regulation is a skill that needs to be taught. One day, those big emotions won’t be so scary, and your kiddo will be able to regulate on their own because you helped them get there!
What Does Co-Regulation Look Like Without The Metaphor?
Stay Regulated and Present
The same way that you would stay present if your child was focusing on riding a big wave, try to stay regulated and in the moment when your child is experiencing big emotions! Keeping a soft voice, and relaxed body language will model for your child that stressors can be felt without screaming or adverse consequences.
Validate, Validate, Validate!
“You are feeling so angry right now” “That made you sad” are examples of things you can say (in a calm, soft voice) while your child is experiencing big feelings. Letting your child know that you understand them builds their trust in you and themself. Validation is also a great way to begin building emotional identification skills and self awareness in your child.
Offer Physical Connection
Sometimes a good hug will do the trick! Offering physical proximity during a meltdown creates the same feeling of safety that holding their hand while they ride that first wave does. You are close, they are safe.
Take Care of Yourself.
In order to stay regulated when your child is not, you need to take care of yourself! Eat balanced meals, hydrate, get quality sleep, prioritize self-care and implement your own stress management techniques. This also includes giving yourself compassion and grace when you don’t have the perfect response to your child. Presence is always priority over perfection so focus on how you can remain present in the big feeling with your child and not so much on having the perfect response.
Looking for support in learning how to help your child co-regulate? We’re here to support you every step of the way. Reach out today to learn more. Contact us here!
