Helping Kids Navigate Conflict: With Restorative Justice & Neuroscience
Conflict is a natural part of growing up, and how children learn to navigate it can shape their emotional intelligence, relationships, and problem-solving skills. Children between the ages of 6-12 are in what Maria Montessori called the "Second Plane of Development," a stage where they develop a keen sense of justice, fairness, and social awareness. Understanding this stage can help parents guide their children through conflicts in ways that promote growth and resilience.
In the second plane of development (ages 6-12), children’s evolving cognitive, emotional, and social abilities shape how they engage in conflict in distinct ways:
Increased Sense of Justice & Fairness
Kids at this stage become highly attuned to fairness and often argue about perceived injustices.
They may challenge rules or authority if they feel something is unfair.
This can lead to conflicts when they feel they’ve been wronged or when they try to enforce fairness with peers.
Growing Social Awareness & Peer Relationships
Friendships become deeply important, and peer approval carries more weight.
Conflicts may arise from exclusion, betrayal, or shifting social dynamics (e.g., "You’re not my best friend anymore!").They start to engage in group conflicts and may form alliances, which can lead to power struggles.
Developing Logic & Reasoning, and Emotional Regulation is Still Maturing
Kids can analyze and argue their perspectives, but their ability to manage big emotions is still developing.
They may intellectualize conflicts (e.g., "But last time you said…") but still struggle to calm down when upset.
Adults may need to help them pause and regulate emotions before engaging in problem-solving.
These are the areas of development this age group is growing in and getting excited about! Conflict resolution should harness this natural developmental cycle.
A structured approach to conflict resolution can empower children to become problem-solvers.
5-Step Problem-Solving Framework
1. Identifying the Problem
Younger kids (6-8) may need help recognizing and naming the problem. Visual aids, storytelling, or role-playing can help.
Older kids (9-12) can usually articulate problems better but might still need prompting to break them down.
Example:
"I see that you and Jordan both want the same paintbrush. What’s the problem here?"
2. Brainstorming Solutions
Encourage them to think of multiple solutions without judgment.
Use "What if?" questions to help them generate ideas.
Example:
"What are some ways we can solve this problem so that both of you feel okay?"
3. Evaluating the Solutions
Help kids weigh the pros and cons of their ideas.
For younger kids, use simple "thumbs up/thumbs down" or draw faces (happy/sad) next to options.
For older kids, encourage perspective-taking: “How do you think Jordan would feel about this solution?”
4. Choosing and Trying a Solution
Let the child choose a solution and test it out.
For bigger problems, role-playing or practicing the solution first can help.
5. Reflecting on the Outcome
Ask open-ended questions: "Did that work the way you hoped?"
If it didn’t work, guide them to adjust their approach: "What could we do differently next time?"
It’s important to practice and model these approaches with your children. Like anything else, building new skills takes time! Conflict is messy and will never look perfect - remember to be patient with yourself and your kiddos.
